Four Years Later...

honest reflections from a college senior

As I near the end of my senior year of college (which is crazy!!!), I find myself reflecting a lot on the kind of person I was when I first walked onto campus, and the person I am now as I prepare to leave it.

It’s funny because when I entered freshman year with my rose-stained glasses and brimming excitement, I thought I was the most mature person in the world. I thought I had everything together. I thought college was going to be absolutely perfect.

Four years of joy, lasting friendships, unforgettable memories, fun, but also disappointments, heartbreaks, and bad decisions later, I realize my freshman self was not nearly as mature as I thought.

The other day, I was on a six-hour plane ride back from Hawaii with my friends after our final spring break trip of our college years. Somewhere between takeoff and landing, I found myself replaying the last four years in my mind.

I thought about decisions I made, things I said, and actions I took from freshman through junior year. As I sat there reflecting, I considered both the joys and the messiness.

It was uncomfortable to linger on the messy parts, but I chose to face them anyway, sitting there squished between two big men on the plane.

I thought about moments when I disappointed my closest friends and treated people I loved poorly.

I thought about the times I fell for boys I shouldn’t have fallen for and got myself stuck in situations I would do anything to undo.

I thought about the careless words I said and the memories that still remain engraved in the back of my mind.

I even thought about the time I hurt someone so deeply that it still pains me to remember that season of my life.

As these moments came back to me, I found myself surprised at how much had gone wrong during a time of life that I often tell others was so great.

But strangely, I didn’t only feel regret.

I also felt gratitude.

Because when I looked at those moments honestly, I could see how much I had grown since then.

I thought about the lessons I learned, the ways I’ve changed, and the situations I now handle differently. I thought about the apologies I’ve made and the relationships I’ve tried to repair.

I also thought about the ones I still need to make, and how I somehow feel ready to make them.

When I compare my freshman-year self to the person I am now, the biggest difference I see is that I think I see myself, the world, and God a little more rightly.

When I first came to college, I believed I was mature, confident, and mostly unshakable. I thought that a “good” life meant everything working out the way it was supposed to.

In other words, I thought good meant perfect.

But somewhere along the way, that definition began to change.

Now, I walk more humbly. I see more clearly how much I need God’s grace every single day. I may be a leader and a shepherd to others on my campus, but before anything else, I recognize in full view that I’m a broken person who desperately needs Jesus.

And I’ve begun to understand that good doesn’t mean perfect.

Good means faithfully pursuing God.

I no longer run from difficulty as quickly as I once did, because I’ve learned that life is often very messy. People are imperfect. Circumstances are complicated. And yet, that’s okay.

There is beauty in pursuing goodness and hope while also grieving what’s broken and fallen.

I also find that I depend on God much more than I used to. I’ve begun to love who He is with me in my weakness, rather than simply wanting Him to remove my weakness altogether.

He’s no longer just the one who fixes my problems.

He’s the one I need.

People often say that college is one of the most transformative seasons of your life. I used to imagine that transformation would look dramatic and obvious.

Instead, it’s been quiet.

Slow and internal.

It’s looked like gradually discovering both the beautiful and broken parts of who I am and learning to bring all of it before Jesus.

And maybe that’s the real transformation college gives us:

The humility to see ourselves more clearly,

the courage to face the past honestly,

and the faith to keep walking forward with God anyway.

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.

And be thankful.”

—Colossians 3:12-15

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