What if I'm an Imposter?

on platforms, imposter syndrome, and the pressure to impress

It’s been a long week of writing and preparing messages and sermons for some exciting speaking engagements coming up soon.

I typically love the writing and preparing process. Usually, I’m smiling ear to ear typing each word as I imagine getting to speak them to youth students, hopefully getting them excited about Jesus.

But as I prepare for an event coming up soon in LA, I found myself having a hard time figuring out what to say.

Maybe it’s because I have so many different messages to write right now that it’s hard to keep track of everything. Maybe it’s because the passage I was given to speak on is a difficult one.

But as the days went by, I realized it was because I was anxious.

Despite my efforts to keep all my message prep centered on pleasing Jesus and not people, I fell into the trap of wanting to impress again.

This event will be by far the largest event I’ve ever spoken at. There will be several thousand youth students, and the stage is massive.

It was a huge honor to be invited to speak this year, but as I’ve been preparing these past few weeks, the usual excitement I have while writing just wasn’t there.

Instead, I kept thinking about the perfectly clever hook to begin with. I kept thinking about what illustrations would make me sound the most interesting. I was trying to shape the entire message around what I thought would impress a group of high school students who don’t know me.

And all the while, thoughts of imposter syndrome kept creeping in.

I’m not as experienced as the speakers who usually preach here. I’m not as gifted or talented. I don’t deserve this kind of opportunity.

I even thought about the fact that I’d be walking into this event as an Asian female in a space predominantly filled with white people, with white men as the main speakers.

And so the whole time I was writing, the words wouldn’t come out.

Because I wanted each word to be impressive instead of faithful.

During my final semester at Pepperdine, a guest speaker came to speak to one of my classes, ironically about imposter syndrome.

I remember not being sure whether I agreed with what he was saying because he sounded way too confident.

He said that people typically feel imposter syndrome when they try to show up as anything other than themselves.

He said the fear behind imposter syndrome is the fear of being exposed. But if we walked into every situation, opportunity, interaction, and relationship as ourselves, honest about who we are and who we’re not, then we would never have to fear being an imposter…

because we wouldn’t be one.

At the time, I remember shrugging off what he said because I thought it sounded overly simplistic and unrealistic to the real doubts and insecurities people carry.

But lately, I’ve been realizing there was truth in what he said.

The reason I felt like I would be an imposter at this speaking engagement was because I thought I wasn’t as experienced, gifted, or qualified as the people who invited me thought I was.

But I’ve been realizing that I would only truly become an imposter if I showed up trying to be someone I’m not.

If I showed up trying to act a certain way or sound more impressive than I really am, then the fear of being exposed would actually be real.

However, if I show up as myself, which is who they invited, then there’s nothing false to uncover.

My gifting as a speaker has always been my authenticity, my storytelling, and my relatability with youth students. That’s the reason this opportunity came in the first place. Someone saw value in what I naturally had to bring.

And I’m learning that that’s enough.

That I don’t have to pretend to be more than I am.

And more importantly, that my words, my messages, and whatever platform I’ve been given were never supposed to be about making myself look impressive in the first place.

They were always meant to point people to Him.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10

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